Sad Movie, True Movie

I'm sitting here in my living room watching a sad movie.  It's Flight 93 on A&E network.  It would be sad even if it were not a true story.  It is true at least the basic facts.  No one really knows the whole story and details of course, but what we do know is that no one survived. An unusual mix of very brave, smart, heroic, and simply good people ended their days together on an airplane and prevented a much worse ending somewhere else.  It still makes me cry to see or hear the stories from Sept 11, 2000.  I still don't understand how such an act can be committed in the name of God or religion.  I'm sure I never will.  Since that time so many more people have died in the wars that followed that day.  Do they really think they have achieved something good? Only a very sick and twisted mind would believe that.

 I never really believed in the existence of devils, but the events of that day have made me reconsider. Certainly there was evil at work that day.  People always say "may God have mercy on their souls" about people and groups that commit horrendous crimes and acts of cruelty, but I'll leave that up to God when it comes to the perpetrators of those terrible events that day.  Instead I pray "May God have compassion for the victims and survivors and help them build new lives."

I hope the victims and their families and friends will meet each other in the afterlife. I believe they will. And if there is a Heaven I don't believe that the people who commit atrocities like the Sept 11 events will be there in Heaven.

Memories of Sept. 11

Like most people I talk to about Sept.11, 2000, I remember exactly where I was, but remembering what I thought and felt is harder to recall and somewhat influenced by things I hear and see today.

I was at work as were many Americans that day.I worked on the maternity unit of my local hospital.  It was an extremely busy day with about 8 labor patients and every postpartum bed filled (that would be 14) and 3 beds in triage.  All patient rooms had  working TV's and phones in their rooms and there were 2 tv's in Triage.  One tv was on in an empty labor room right near the nurses station.  I walked by the empty room except it wasn't empty.  There was a small group of nurses and a supervisor watching the tv.  I walked in to see what was so interesting.  I was just in time to see the second tower hit. We all watched in stunned silence.  I admit to worrying if my patients were ok without me as I stared at the small screen mesmerized by the happenings.

Then someone said something like "it has to be that guy, terrorist leader what's his name?"  I stuttered for a minute like someone on a game show and then said "Osama bin Laden" finishing her sentence. Everyone said yes
in soft low voices. I left the group to check on my patients and suggested to them that they might want to turn the tv on and see what was happening.

I called my mother; she was already watching the situation unfold. I asked her to call my daughter in FL and tell her to turn her tv on because  she doesn't watch it during the daytime. But this time she did turn it on and was as surprised as the rest of us. I think I called my mother before the towers started to collapse. We were on the phone only a few minutes then I had
to get back to work and my patients. 

For some reason I felt the need to tell people what was happening.  I called several  people and one person who was important to me whose job kept him on the road nearly 5 days a week.  He did have a cell phone so I was able to reach him.  He was so upset he had to pull over and listen for a while before continuing. It seems strange to me now, but I also called both of my sisters - one in SC and one about an hour away from me.  If I remember correctly they were both already aware of what was happening.  Though I didn't have any relatives in New York, I felt as though I was losing family members when the people started jumping and then again when I saw the towers crumble like toy blocks.  The knowledge that people were still inside -- rescuers and employees - left me with an indescribable feeling - heartbreak, emptiness, a sense of not believing what I was seeing, and a cold chill of reality.  It was happening.  It was real, and it was tragic.  Much later I learned that there were fewer people in the towers than usually at that time of day which probably saved thousands. I do not remember what the reason was for that.

It is difficult to remember accurately all the feelings I experienced.  Some were fear, dread, overwhelming sadness and the worst, I think, was helplessness.  The idea that with all the security, tecnology, intelligence agencies, undercover spies, and so much more we were not able to prevent this or cope with it effectively.  I had heard my Mom talk about WW2 and the attack on Pearl Harbor.  I knew now how Americans felt the day that Perarl Harbor was attacked.  And like Pearl Harbor and the day President Kennedy was killed people will continue to remember where they were and what they were doing on Sept. 11, 2001. We were entering a new era of fear, security precautions, anger, anxiety and probably more.  I do notice that most of the talk and memories center around the towers, and I think that's because we have such a visual connection.  We didn't see Flight 93 crash in PA, or the plane that crashed into the Pentagon  so we don't seem to give them the same attention.  I think it's because we don't have that video of them.  It is sad and unfair, but life is like that sometimes. However when we think of that day 10 years ago we think of all of them and we grieve for all of them. I always think of the ones left to grieve and wonder how they are doing.  It is nice that many of the network news programs bring stories about them to their viewers.  I hope that practice continues for at least the next 10 years.

Princess Chloe Meets Hurricane Irene

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Princess Chloe is one of my 3 kitties (I like to call them kitties because cat sounds a little demeaning to them) 2 boys and one princess.  She lived a tough life before joining my clan.  Her mom was a drop off stray who delivered 3 kittens by herself alone outside in some harsh New England weather.  Her mom and 2 siblings were lost to the road before my sister was able to rescue them. She did rescue little Chloe at about 1year old who became a princess after she joined my group. How she survived that year is a mystery, but it had to be very hard on her.  She runs the boys who have either fear or respect for her.  I'm not entirely sure which. She also has rules for me.  I simply can't walk up to her and pick her up.  That is not allowed and she responds with a quick exit and manages to arrived at a place that is unreachable by me.  She also has some quirks.  She is afraid of change.  I know all cats resist change, but she wins the award for best performance of a kitty in a new house.  Hiding during the day and banshee screams during the night if she saw one of the boys or a shadow or lights from a passing vehicle.  I had to close her in the rec room with me and a litter box and leave some lights on, and needless to say I didn't get much sleep.  That went on for about 2 weeks.  Then my daughter and her family came to visit from FL.  Sleeping arrangements were altered and Chloe hid from them (espicially the kids) almost 24/7.  

When they left, she started to relax a little allowing me to pet her occasionally and chirping a little.  Then came Hurricane Irene and we went all the way back to square one.  We were without electricity for about 5 1/2 days.  So it was very dark at night and her anxiety level must have been high. The screams began again of course, and again I found myself sleeping in the rec room (which is in the basement) with her.  Fortunately it didn't flood, but I had to leave my flashlight on all night on the floor where she could see it from under the bed where she was hiding.  If I turned it off she screamed and the boys dived for cover. Well my batteries were getting weak from all the use.  So I decided to use my hurricane lamps and candles figuring that was their intended use (during the aftermath of a major storm).  That worked well for her, but not for me.  I was up all night checking them because I was afraid of burning the house down. The lamps also left an unpleasant smell in the house all day even after I turned them off. One night I didn't use them and managed to coax her into my bed.  She didn't scream as long as she was on my arm, but I wasn't allowed to move all night so that made sleeping pretty much impossible.  I went back to the lamps and candles. 

The power finally came on and the princess kitty calmed down now almost 2 weeks after Irene graced our little community. She is almost back to her querky little self.  Screams have stopped, but she still snubs the boys from time to time. She does like to sleep on my bed, and I'm required to leave night lights on all night.  That's not so bad, and it does get me a fairly good night's sleep. I'm a little concerned about the next change that might come her way. 

Cats know your every thought. They don't care,
but they know

Coping with "Things"

I've been busy today sorting and saving.  I have such a problem with throwing.  I wonder if anyone else does - oh right they have a program about hoarders (even animal hoarders) on tv.  So the problem isn't mine alone, but I think I knew that.  I form an attachment to everything (except dirt) I have in my home.  I don't want to throw it if it still has life in it.  So sometimes I give it away even when I know no one will want it.  I just hate waste.  I think maybe that came from my grandmother and mother although as my mom neared the end of her life she seemed glad to ditch things.  She just "couldn't be bothered" with clutter, but that was when she was in her 80's.  It might be good if I cought the bug a little earlier.  My daughter is always after me to through things out, but I resist.  I dig my heels in and don't even want to answer.  When I get frustrated enough I do begin to discard things.  Moving has helped (or forced) me to do this somewhat; it has also helped me find things I didn't remember I had or knew that I had them but hadn't been able to find for years and finally gave up and bought another one.  I wonder if many people relate to that experience? I never lost my daughter, and I never lost my cats (in the home) even when I had 8 of them.  Right now I'm down to 3 and I watch kitten videos on Youtube and long for more, but I can't give in to that right now, and it hurts not to be able to go to a shelter and give a little kitten a new home or even an older cat whose time is running out, but do to some committments I can't have more cats for about 2 years. Maybe then I can rescue another cat.  All my cats except 2 have been rescued from the outdoors and one from my sister who was rescued from the outdoors by my sister before I got her.
I took her from my sister because she was a fearful little kitty (about 1 to 2 years old and one of my sisters cats was bullying her. She was so terrified she wouldn't come out from hiding. So I brought her home and my kitties seemed to like her immediately and she was ok with them.
I think if I had a huge house I'd be over the top with "things" that I mostly don't need - just like.  I try to figure it all out, and when I think that I have the answer (seldom) I still crave trinkets, shiney things like rings and necklaces, scented candles, soap, books, pens, cosmetics, jewelry and gadgets  etc.  It's never enough and I don't know why.  I do know it has to stop. And I'm working on that. Sometimes life can be so hard.

Lunch With Friends

I had lunch with my sister and one of her longtime friends who eventually became one of my friends years ago, although after we all married we traveled different paths and lost contact with each other.  It was nice to reconnect during lunch and a glass of wine and dessert of course.  Now I'll have to starve myself for 2 weeks to make up for the lapse of will power.  But it was great talking and catching up.  Her husband had died a few years ago and she has had some other tragic events.  It was hard to know what to say, but we managed to get past the awkward moments.  It's interesting because she doesn't seem very different from the person I knew in high school.  Some different interests, more confidence, but really the same sweet person with a few more worries and some sad issues. I guess we'd all fit  that last part of the description. But it was good and then we exchanged ph numbers and said good bye.  For a while I had a bit of a melancholy feeling then.  It seems that memories of the past even the good ones are also a reminder that time is moving forward and the changes continue and aren't reversible as we move toward the ultimate ending that no one ever wants to talk about.
As a nurse I've had some experiences with death and the only way to get through it is to talk about it: it's effect on one, the sadness we feel, what happenes next, how do we move on.  There are no right answers only listening to the questions, acknowledging the sadness and pain and offering support. Each of has to find our way through a sad or tragic event.  I'm still working on my sad event.  (I'll try for a more upbeat entry next time)

Irene Takes Leave

Well Irene came to CT and left a path of destruction that may cost as much as 75 million to fix, clean and reopen. My electricity was out for nearly 5 days (3 hours short of 5 days).  TV was out for 6 days.  It's OK I can live without TV though I missed my Dateline, 20/20, CNN, animal planet and a few police stories.  I did manage to do some reading but it was dark by 7 pm (New England is like that as September nears. Oct will end DST and it will be dark at 4:30pm.)  So it's hard to read by candle light.  And electronic devices don't have a  a long enough battery life to suit me and can't be recharged during a power outage.  But at least my cat Princess Chloe has calmed down and is actually purring.  I've been busy all day with picking up, putting things away, and doing laundry and cleaning up the fridge and throwing out rotten or suspected rotten food. There's more of the same for tomorrow.  So enough whining.  I do need to get to sleep.  I'd be interested in reading some other material about this hurricane.  I wonder how people cope at times like this.  Am I the only one who whines, pouts and stamps her feet?  I hope not.  Still I never thought I'd get excited to a degree in the realm of Christmas eve in the life of a 6 year old.  But when I saw those utility trucks one street away from mine, it was Christmas all the way.  A few hours later the lights were on and I was ecstatic. 

As an aside there is a website called 'Hurricaneville' and it has all the known information of hurricanes from the point when the first records were kept (world wide I think) posted there, charts, history, statistics and more.  It is free, but they do request a donation to keep it operational. I could have searched and read the information posted on that site for hours, but sadly I didn't have hours available.

Hurricane Irene

Hurricane Irene finally showed up late Sat. and left my neighborhood without power until just a few minutes ago.  That's why I haven't written for a few days.  From late Sat. until about 9:30pm this evening I was in the dark.  It wasn't fun the way it was when I was a kid and we used candles and a battery powered radio and toasted marshmellows over the candles.  I did use candles, and flashlights, and hurricane lamps (what a great name).   But I could not sleep for fear of the house burning down.  I had to leave some lights on because I have a cat with some serious emotional problems such as fear of any new situation (such as moving or new furniture) and yes fear of the dark.  Princess Chloe (as I affectionately call her) let out screams like a banshee (what ever that is) at night periodically--  all night, and low growls, and fearsome sounding snorting to ward off the demons.  So if I was going to get any sleep at all I had to give her some light and sleep in the same room with her.  The second night she slept in my bed with her head on my arm all night ( sort of perpendicular to me).  I was not allowed to move.  She's really a sweet little kitty who wouldn't hurt anything, but the screams, hissing, and snorting (very unlady-like) suggest otherwise.  Even my other 2 cats give her space when she gets like this.  Her background is a bit spotty.  I know she lived outside for the first year of her life and her mother and siblings died (hit by cars I believe) when she was still a very small kitten herself so I imagine her fears originate from the experiences she had during that year.  My sister rescued her actually. When one of her cats tried to teach the little princess some manners (which didn't work at all), she came to my house and things went very well  (for about a year)untill I moved to a new house.  That's when some of the psycho behaviors began to show up. One month later the hurricane.  It was all too much too soon.  I think it will take a while for her to get back to the sweet little kitty she really is.  But I'm patient and the boys (Seamus and Giuseppe) are just avoiding her for now.  They look at me with this puzzled expression like "What's with her???"
I have tried to explain it to them, but they look even more puzzled when I talk to them.  Then they just walk away shaking their little heads.  I don't get much respect at all.