Thanksgiving Thoughts

With Thanksgiving less then a week away I thought I'd write something related to the holiday.  I've had some sad and life changing events in my life in the last 2 years, and sometimes I have to remind myself not to dwell on the bad, but remember the good and the positive. 

To begin with I had problems at work in 2009.  I took a leave of absence in Sept. Then in 2010 my mother died. She was 91 years old and for the last year had lived in an extended care facility.  I had been her soul care giver for the previous 9-10 years and it was a very emotional time for me.  Torn between grief and relief that her suffering had finally ended and guilt for feeling the relief.  One month after that I lost my job.  I was diagnosed with depression and started on medication and counseling.  I was able to collect unemployment comp. for a time.  I applied for jobs in various places, but no luck.  Hospitals are reluctant to hire someone my age spend money to orient them to new surroundings (even at entry level pay it's expensive), proceedures, and policies only to have them leave in a year or 2 to retire.  I had been in the middle of renovating my mother's home with the help of a good friend, but the expense was great.  My plan was to renovate and bring the house up to code and move into her home then do the same for mine, but sell it when the work was completed. 

So maybe you are wondering  why am I writing all this bad stuff if I'm talking about gratitude?  Because I am well aware that as bad as things were and are I know they could be so much worse.  I could be sick; I could be losing my home; I could be homeless and living on the streets. I have no mortgages on either house but one home equity loan on my home that is helping to pay for the renovations on both houses. From the time my daughter went away to school I worked 3 to 5 jobs at any given time and saved most of that mone in IRA, and mutual funds so although I'm depleting my savings I'm not starving, or homeless. I have everything I need and a lot that I don't need. I have medical insurance (which is costly, but I'm glad I have it) through COBRA.  I also know that in April I begin collecting my pension from the hospital where I used to work. I have no small children to worry about (3 cats though) and I'm planning to move to FL to be near her when my houses are finished and sold (I hope I can sell them). 

So when I begin to feel sorry for myself (and I do sometimes, mostly because I miss my old job and the girls with whom  I worked for some 34 years) I remind myself that I have much for which to be grateful.  It is easy to fall into that habit of feeling sorry for myself and sink into despair.  This is not how I expected to end my career, and if I had been able to continue working even one year longer I would be so much better off. And even though I can start to collect my pension at 65, thanks to new social security rules I have to wait until 66 to collect that.  With both incomes I would be comfortable so I'll be another 2 years before I can breathe a little easier. I worry a lot, talk to myself a lot and remind myself that I will be ok, not wealthy, but safe in my home, near my daughter, and able to afford food, meds etc.  Travel may not be an option, but maybe short trips could be doable.  In addition to all of that I see a therapist who has been wonderful and a great help to me.  She is not just someone who listens and asks "how does that make you feel?.  She guides me, explains things like human nature and defense mechanisms that people use, and points out changes that she sees in me that are helpful and positive. I've grown with her assistance, and I hope I continue to grow to get over my losses and move on and find other things I'd like to do.  And of course there is always reading  and writing.  Both of which help me heal and grow.