Once More

And it's back to FL to help my daughter during her last year in a masters program in social work.  I'm not really happy about this situation, but I've never been very
good at saying no.  This is a good thing for her, and sets an excellent example for her children about lifelong learning.  They know that education is life long, that it is good for us, that
it gives us a life worth living, gives us the tools we need to have a good life, be
good citizens, good parents.  If I had not lost my job and retired I would not be
able to do this for her, and part of me wishes I didn't have to do it.  I'm kind of
old to be dealing with 3 teens.  It scares me to tell you the truth.  My main
ammunition will be a stern "wait till your mother gets home"  in quotes because
it's a phrase from a tv sitcom or cartoon from tv in the past.  I'm hoping I won't need to do that
too often.  I just hope she doesn't make me cook.  I hate that.
I have an addendum to this entry. Recently my daughter and I had a pretty long phone call (lately that is unusual), and it seems she will not be starting school until Jan. of 2015 so I'm good for a year now. I am delighted, and perhaps when I do go to FL at that time it will be a permanent move - kitties and all.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

With Thanksgiving less then a week away I thought I'd write something related to the holiday.  I've had some sad and life changing events in my life in the last 2 years, and sometimes I have to remind myself not to dwell on the bad, but remember the good and the positive. 

To begin with I had problems at work in 2009.  I took a leave of absence in Sept. Then in 2010 my mother died. She was 91 years old and for the last year had lived in an extended care facility.  I had been her soul care giver for the previous 9-10 years and it was a very emotional time for me.  Torn between grief and relief that her suffering had finally ended and guilt for feeling the relief.  One month after that I lost my job.  I was diagnosed with depression and started on medication and counseling.  I was able to collect unemployment comp. for a time.  I applied for jobs in various places, but no luck.  Hospitals are reluctant to hire someone my age spend money to orient them to new surroundings (even at entry level pay it's expensive), proceedures, and policies only to have them leave in a year or 2 to retire.  I had been in the middle of renovating my mother's home with the help of a good friend, but the expense was great.  My plan was to renovate and bring the house up to code and move into her home then do the same for mine, but sell it when the work was completed. 

So maybe you are wondering  why am I writing all this bad stuff if I'm talking about gratitude?  Because I am well aware that as bad as things were and are I know they could be so much worse.  I could be sick; I could be losing my home; I could be homeless and living on the streets. I have no mortgages on either house but one home equity loan on my home that is helping to pay for the renovations on both houses. From the time my daughter went away to school I worked 3 to 5 jobs at any given time and saved most of that mone in IRA, and mutual funds so although I'm depleting my savings I'm not starving, or homeless. I have everything I need and a lot that I don't need. I have medical insurance (which is costly, but I'm glad I have it) through COBRA.  I also know that in April I begin collecting my pension from the hospital where I used to work. I have no small children to worry about (3 cats though) and I'm planning to move to FL to be near her when my houses are finished and sold (I hope I can sell them). 

So when I begin to feel sorry for myself (and I do sometimes, mostly because I miss my old job and the girls with whom  I worked for some 34 years) I remind myself that I have much for which to be grateful.  It is easy to fall into that habit of feeling sorry for myself and sink into despair.  This is not how I expected to end my career, and if I had been able to continue working even one year longer I would be so much better off. And even though I can start to collect my pension at 65, thanks to new social security rules I have to wait until 66 to collect that.  With both incomes I would be comfortable so I'll be another 2 years before I can breathe a little easier. I worry a lot, talk to myself a lot and remind myself that I will be ok, not wealthy, but safe in my home, near my daughter, and able to afford food, meds etc.  Travel may not be an option, but maybe short trips could be doable.  In addition to all of that I see a therapist who has been wonderful and a great help to me.  She is not just someone who listens and asks "how does that make you feel?.  She guides me, explains things like human nature and defense mechanisms that people use, and points out changes that she sees in me that are helpful and positive. I've grown with her assistance, and I hope I continue to grow to get over my losses and move on and find other things I'd like to do.  And of course there is always reading  and writing.  Both of which help me heal and grow.

Irene Takes Leave

Well Irene came to CT and left a path of destruction that may cost as much as 75 million to fix, clean and reopen. My electricity was out for nearly 5 days (3 hours short of 5 days).  TV was out for 6 days.  It's OK I can live without TV though I missed my Dateline, 20/20, CNN, animal planet and a few police stories.  I did manage to do some reading but it was dark by 7 pm (New England is like that as September nears. Oct will end DST and it will be dark at 4:30pm.)  So it's hard to read by candle light.  And electronic devices don't have a  a long enough battery life to suit me and can't be recharged during a power outage.  But at least my cat Princess Chloe has calmed down and is actually purring.  I've been busy all day with picking up, putting things away, and doing laundry and cleaning up the fridge and throwing out rotten or suspected rotten food. There's more of the same for tomorrow.  So enough whining.  I do need to get to sleep.  I'd be interested in reading some other material about this hurricane.  I wonder how people cope at times like this.  Am I the only one who whines, pouts and stamps her feet?  I hope not.  Still I never thought I'd get excited to a degree in the realm of Christmas eve in the life of a 6 year old.  But when I saw those utility trucks one street away from mine, it was Christmas all the way.  A few hours later the lights were on and I was ecstatic. 

As an aside there is a website called 'Hurricaneville' and it has all the known information of hurricanes from the point when the first records were kept (world wide I think) posted there, charts, history, statistics and more.  It is free, but they do request a donation to keep it operational. I could have searched and read the information posted on that site for hours, but sadly I didn't have hours available.

Thoughts on Aging

I woke up this morning with some thoughts on ageing. I had to look up the spelling of ageing before I started. Apparently it can be spelled with the e or not. So that becomes my first thought, i.e. what things came easily or automatically for the last 40-50 years begin to require some thinking about them sometime after the 50's. It's not noticeable at first, but it is insidious and unrelenting. It may start with menopause for women, may be identified as depression initially, (and may contribute to depression) shows up intermittently and at the worst times. At first one is in denial - it can't be age, I'm only 50. It must be stress. I need hormones and anti anxiety medication and maybe an antidepressant, something to help with the insomnia, meds for ever increasing achy feelings and joint pain, and so the long voyage toward the end of life begins to feel closer and closer despite all efforts to stay the execution. That journey can be anywhere from a few years to about 30. There is no doubt that it happens to all except those who die early by some twist of fate or disease, but there are conflicting opinions about almost everything else related to aging and ideas about how to cope both physically and emotionally. There is no fighting it, only delay of symptoms (sometimes). It can be the best years of a person's life or the worst. Some of this can be affected by attitude, health, activities, friends, economic circumstances, marital situation, family support, educational level, hobbies and interests. Some things just keep moving along despite all efforts to delay the process.

So here I am 64, unemployed mostly because I couldn't meet the requirements of my job. I feel that I still have much to offer, but I haven't found a slot that fits - yet. I should keep looking, but for now I have some commitments to attend to and then maybe I can find a slot for me. I think that aging is sad, but I feel better having written this. It seems to have clarified things for me. I wonder if this information (which is not new) would help anyone else. Maybe, maybe not. Each of us has to find his or her own way to cope and I'm still working on that. But most likely the process begins with thinking, identifying the problem, and planning an approach. (My old nursing process thing). Exercise such as anything from walking, swimming, dancing to games like the wii reportedly keep one feeling better, improves mood and attitude and can even contribute to a longer life. Motivation to get moving is another thing. It seems to help to have some company with those activities. Reading and using a computer and doing crossword puzzles and sudoku can help keep the mind sharp (I hate contrived puzzles, but yet I will spend hours trying to figure out why a lamp or a fan doesn't seem to work). I'm not sure if writing helps one's acuity, but I hope so because that seems to be my main intellectual activity after reading. Long talks with my daughter are also intellectually stimulating to me.  Reading the papers she writes for her classes also helps. She really challenges my brain. Am I doing enough. Time will tell I guess. Motivation or the absence of it seems to be a big problem for me.

10/24/2013

Still here, still ageing, coping fairly well.  But those long stimulating talks with
my daughter have been absent for more than a year.  She's busy with a new
job, and teenagers who can really swallow up all a mother's free time and she
has 3 of them.  May God watch over her.