off if my parents had divorced. The down side would have been poverty. My father didn't make
enough money to support 2 families, and my mother didn't make enough money working as a nurse's
aid to fill the financial gaps. So why am I talking divorce? Because it has once again visited my
family, and I'm sad about it, but not very surprised. Life is funny like that.
It is true that the kids do suffer from divorce - maybe more than the parents because parents either don't answer their questions or try to keep it all a secret until the last minute, or they speak negatively about their soon to be ex in an effort to absolve themselves of responsibility, at least in the eyes of the children. All that part leading up to the actual separation ie different houses, cars, responsibilities, money settlements, visitation, school, house rules etc (have I left anything out?) has to be worked out, but often the children are not prepared for how this works. They become very anxious because the parents don't tell them. They think they are protecting the children from unhappiness and anxiety. That is probably not true. We don't have to tell the kids everything, but enough so they feel like things are taken care of. They know they'll see both parents, probably live with one and visit the other, they can call either parent when they need to, and visit either according to schedule or whim, but must communicate any plans to the parent who might not know the plan. Stuff like that. When the kids have some guidelines they feel safe ie all is being addressed so they can relax. How do I know this? Because I did it all wrong. My daughter seems ok now, but I handled things badly mostly because I was young and uninformed and didn't have a lawyer, or a therapist to consult (no money for either). I thought I was protecting her when I withheld information and to some extent that is true, but again we need to pay attention to the kids questions and if they can't be answered
honestly then explain that some things have yet to be decided ie "we're still working on that" and
maybe ask them what they think about something such as visits with the other parent, attending
school, friends in school and more. I think the most important thing is to talk to them, explain that things aren't written in stone and there may be many changes over the first few years until a pattern is
established. But even that will change as needed when the kids change schools due to moving or to
moving up a grade (ie from elementary school to junior high etc) or a move to a different school district and therefore a new school. Talk to the teachers so they understand what is happening to
the children and therefore may be more understanding of any late arrivals, absenteeism, and
forgetfulness due to worry and stress. The teachers might be more tolerant if they do understand
the issues the child is facing.
When I grew up divorce was considered horrible, the Catholic church considered it sinful (maybe still due, but I'm not part of that anymore) and didn't talk about it even in a general sense in the Catholic school systems. Maybe they do now, but not then. So if you read this and it is at all relavant to your situatiion and it is also helpful then leave a comment for me. If you have better ideas than the ones expressed here let me see them and I'll add them to the blog.
I think the most important part, though is to stress that the parents have respect for each other, and
let the kids know they are loved and will always have 2 parents who love them though they may live in separate houses. I wish I'd been more informed about these things.
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