The Sickness of Bullying

I'm watching "48 Hours" (recorded from last evening), but I do have to get moving pretty soon and get some things done.  This is a sad program that I may watch more than once.  It's about bullying in school: physical, cyber, cell phone etc.  I remember some bullies when I was in elementary school and sometimes I was on the receiving end.  I never bullied anyone because I really knew what it felt like.   Many years later my daughter had a few episodes of being bullied (actually hit and knocked down). One thing I remember is a meeting about it with the vice principal, who I had hoped would be helpful.  He suggested I take my daughter to a psychologist to identify what it is about her (my daughter) that might be causing the other kids to react this way to her.  At the time I thought he was trying to be helpful, and I dutifully arranged a meeting with a therapist.  She was helpful, but didn't believe that my daughter was the source of the problem, but she did recommend that I continue with therapy sessions to help D (for daughter) cope with some of the stuff that was happening in school. 

As I look back on this episode in her life I now feel some anger.  The people I went to for help and the suggestion that she might be responsible for it now infuriates me.  Isn't that blaming the victim? Isn't that what we do to women and other victims of violence?  And isn't that wrong.  I was taught by my parents that even if someone insults you, hurts your feelings, laughs at you , teases you, or is unkind in anyway, hitting, or physical violence is not the answer.  However even in a Catholic elementary school the boys seemed to be favored by the nuns, when I reported an incident of being kicked in the back and knocked down by a boy who, though my age was almost twice my size I was asked "Well what did you do to bring that on?".  I told the nun that I had yelled at him because he was jumping on the stomach of a boy (with down's syndrom)  who  was chubby. The bully thought it was fun because his big belly was a soft landing.  I still to this day cannot believe the response from that nun.  She said, "Well maybe you should learn to mind your own business".  I was crushed and walked away broken inside.  Apparently no good deed goes unpunished.  I have also walked away from the Catholic Church - not just for that incident, but for so many that followed. I do not expect people who dedicate their lives to religion and their belief in God to be perfect.  I do expect them to be kind, fair, honest and protect all the children
in their care - not just the popular ones, not just the boys.  The boys did seem to get away with a lot of misbehavior. The "boys will be boys" attitude was alive and well at that time I guess.

I am fully aware that my experience doesn't compare to the stories that have been in the news in recent years, and that we didn't have cyber bullying when I was young, but my small experience and my daughter's has made me acutely sensitive to the problem.  My daughter was never a bully, and she has to her credit (and her husband's) taught her children how bad bullying can be and how words can hurt as much as knives. We need to understand why this is happening and put a stop to it.  If we can't find out why we need to make the penalties for bullying sever enough: expulsion, detention, fines on the parents who should be teaching that it is wrong.  Some of the parents whose children are bullies actually encourage this behavior or allow it. Suicide of the victim is not the solution. Parents of bullies should assign consequences for the bullying, but also step in as the teacher-mom.  Talk to their kids make them see how it feels. Although I do I think they do know how it feels, sadly that's the part they enjoy - making someone else miserable.  I've even seen a more subtle form of bullying in the workplace.  Adults should know better.  Is this where the child bullies come from?